Good, but not good enough. Excellence may be the end of a rainbow that one chases. The closer you get, the further it is from you. Almost like an elusion. But then again, I guess even the most excellent/perfect person could always be a better person.
Perfection. Discontentment. The two words that spring to mind when I think evaluate the issue of the strife for excellence. Perfection is related to excellence because in most, if not some tasks, they have to be perfect before one is regarded to be excellent. But excellence also reminds me of discontentment, because it seems like a never-ending chase for the better. And if one is constantly chasing for something better, does it mean that you're not happy with what you have/the way things are- and hence be discontented?
Good. Better. Best.
Better implies it is relative to something else, another benchmark. And is that "something else" ever changing, ever drawing further from where you think its absolute spot is? A mirage some call it- you're always chasing it.
I am frustrated with how I'm good, but not good enough. Good, but not the best. Coming second is being the first loser. And this is related mostly to my academic life. Ever since primary school and secondary school, I've done well (minus the one time that I failed Bahasa Melayu in Standard 4!), but not good enough. I was alwaysthisclose to being top of the class, top prize in AddMaths whatever, but I was never top! And the one time I remember, I had a tie with another girl, JY for our final exam, but because she beat me by half a mark in the monthly test, she won the subject prize!
Then come university, especially in my Honours year.. oh no, I wasn't even close to being the first loser. I was probably many losers away from the first loser. I remember being highly contemplative and prayerful when I was checking my results for Honours. I even refrained from checking my results online, just so that I have time to prepare myself, to realign my priorities and focus with what is important to me (ie what is important to God) so that I will not allow myself to be emotionally influenced by how I fared. And I spoke to God, and made resolute decisions about certain things. One of which involved not blaming any unpleasant results on my flatting situation this year, much less my flatmates. I realised that was a weak point and that could be used by the enemy. I knew what I did was the best I did, given the circumstances that I was in. And the funny thing was that I didn't find out my Honours class till later (i overlooked it, rather than it not being made known to us). So all I found out was my grades for the subjects I took. One was a pleasant surprise, but most were undesirable (by my standards). Of course one could argue or appease oneself by merely imagining if he/she obtained one grade lower than what it is, and he/she will be thankful for what he/she actually had. But I wasn't going down that trend of thought this time. I was disappointed. It turns out I had my first class, but to be honest, I really didn't want it. There was a very real battle within me, that wanted to resist the once prestigious class, because I didn't deserve it. But another part of me knew that this is crucial if I want to continue in my area of interest, biomedical research.
But then I talk to friends and they talk about ranking of the whole honours class, and how A and P did really well and were ranked 1st and 2nd respectively. Then I get all frutsrated inside, because I want to be excellent too. I knew I did not put in enough effort (or was simply not good enough) to warrant me the top. But it's frustrating when I think about what could have happened. I could have been living in a more stable environment, with less internal flat issues, less people to deal with/tolerate, less distractions and I would have done better. I have never done worse in my university life than in this Honours year. True, the workload increased dramatically, it was a steep slope to climb, but I was all over the place the entire year, scattered, uncollected. Many times, I thought I was losing my mind. The flatting situation did not help at all. To be dead honest, at times I hated it. But I knew it was something that I had to go through. It was good for me. I learnt heaps through the bitter experiences this year. People people people! To think that I was the PRO (People Relations Officer) in my Girl Guides company is quite a joke really. But I learnt to deal with people, to be tolerant, to come up with the best solution, that would appease everyone and to some extend to be politically correct. I watched peacemaking in action. My blunt and straight personality was exposed to alternative approaches deemed tactful when dealing with Homo sapiens. I experienced generosity, kiindness and grace. Grace which I would not have extended if the shoes were swapped. The cross made real to me and yet, barely comparable to what Jesus did. A truly humbling experience, and it encourages me that I could do the same.
These which I have learnt/experienced lasts and yet they are not as tangible as excellence in the academic arena, where results are evident. I have traded time that I would have used to bury my nose in books and papers, for something that may be life lessons, seems like a good bargain no? But sometimes its frustrating because you can't measure them against anything.
I'm sick of being second best, first loser.
