sqrewloose

So I was reading on Sat morning about Nathanael- You see, Philip met Jesus one day and was excited so he decided to tell Nathanael who he met, Jesus of Nazereth. The first reply from Nathanael was "Nazareth, can anything good come from there?" But when Nathanael met Jesus, Jesus spoke as if he already knows Nathanael, and have seen him under a fig tree even before Philip spoke to him. Nathanael immediately believed and called Jesus the Son of God. But ,
50Jesus said, "You believe^[a] because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You shall see greater things than that." 51He then added, "I tell you^[b] the truth, you^[c] shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man."

Surely it is time for me to believe in greater things, beyond the work of God that I see in my life/around me.  Hunched with my bible under my duvet on an icy Sat morning, I told God that I wanted to believe in Him- more than what I already do. I wanted to have REAL faith in him. I probably already do- but it's not enough. I wanted to believe in the things that are not seen and I wanted to trust in him- I wanted to have a quiet confidence in my God who loves me. He loves me enough to give me grace. Grace when I fall short of what makes a believer, grace when I am nasty to others, grace through my supervisor when I do stupid things in the lab , grace when I do the exact opposite of what I know I ought to do.

Then my day proceeded with attempts to study and then coffee with a friend in town. And when I got home- I saw a letter on my desk which was from the Scholarships office. I was excited and yet had parts of myself prepared for "We're sorry, due to the number of applications..." But no.. it was over and beyond what I expected! 2.5 K from the Dan F Jones scholarship in science- note the name of the schship. I highly doubt it has anything to do with my bf, but surely someone up there is watching my back! Only at the start of the week I was trying to calculate my expected expenses of the year in hopes to not have to spend any of what my parents gave me. God has over and over and over again watched over me, be it in my studies or in His provision so that I may continue to study! But I want to still believe in him, not because of what he has "proved" to me. I want to believe in him for what I cannot see.

 On a slightly different note, study seems to be a struggle now. Maybe flatting here wasn't a good idea for my Honours year. I totally support the vision of this flat- but it's causing too much internal turmoil. I have to constantly battle within myself to spend time with flatmates/ study. Its putting too much pressure on me. I saw this coming- I knew this would be a year of discipline in the area of time management. I knew it was gonna be hard. But.. it's REALLY HARD! Workload seems to be insane for Honours students especially us who have to constantly be in the lab and yet have other coursework. It will be purely by God's grace if you find me alive and sane by the end of killer May. But I am counting on the things that I cannot see!

Thank you Lord for your grace! 

sqrewloose

I suspect this place will remain more silent than it already is.

I might agree with Emma's conspiracy theory that the University makes the Honours schedule so crazy to completely kill your social life (or whatever other "life" so that you may be primed for further postgrad life- ie not have any friends or any thing else so you only research and work for the uni!

And I am yet another Honours student who tries to break out of that and have a balanced life at the same time.  Sometimes it feels like running up a hill, except that u never get to the top because the grass rolls under your feet, like a treadmill in the gym.