My head is throbbing, as if some nerves in my brains are violently tugging and i could feel my nerves pulsating under my scalp.

Having tonnes and tonnes of tests that are coming up, and piles of assignments that are going to be due in May! What a horrible month! bsides the fact that it's Reen's bday. See, i do remember bdays. I just finished a test on blackboard today, and i have a 209 assgnmt due on this thurs. Then, on the coming Mon, i have a test for 116. And then, I have exactly 1 week to research, and complete a 1500-word research essay that carries 30% of my total marks! And then, another assignment for 209, 2 more test, and 1 practical test! Darn! What am i gonna do? Oh God, teach me to manage my time, and help me to draw strength from you. I have no idea how im going to survive this month, but i know that you have always helped me pull through, and you always will. As long as I study hard as well, of course. God, please help me not to be too overwhelmed by the workload that i have for this month, but instead, help me to take one at a time, and jsut focus on what I have to do, one by one. Lord, most important of all, help me to focus on You! For Lord, when we have everything else right with you, all else will fall into place. Lord, Im deliberately giving all my tests and assgnmtns to you, and i trust that You'll accomplish them for me! haha! Hopelah! Well, im giving it to you, and I trust that You'll give me strength that is sufficient to go thru what You've placed ahead of me.

But He said to me, "For my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Cor 12:9)

....For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:10)

Currently feeling: tired and sleepy

9^th May 2005
9.14pm

 

I neede to write this down, in case I forget. I need to write down the awesome things that God has done for me, because humans being humans, tend to forget, be distracted, get carried away, get disappointed, and disillusioned. Yes, it’s shameful indeed , but that’s why we first need the HSpirit to constantly remind us of God’s grace and mercy, and hopefully, by remembering, frequently enough, the switch is automatically turned on and it all comes naturally. IF this happens, we would be so much more confident because we stand and claim the promises of God. But it still surprises me that despite the many times that God has shown us His grace and brought us through all seasons of life, we still find new challenges and it still requires deliberate faith at new challenges that are thrown our way. For example, God has brought me thus far, education wise especially, and all the assignments and major tests and all the deadlines. He has graciously helped me do well, under stress, and all…and yet, I still find it hard to entirely trust God in my upcoming tests and assignments. I still need to deliberately place my trust in Him. I still have to stop, and just take my mind off the stresses of deadlines, and refocus, and realise that whatever that I do, I have to do it unto God. (It’s funny how we cant really love what we’re doing, esp when we’re studying for a test, or finishing an assignment. It feels more like a task than a fun thing.  Well, at least I don’t find myself so passionate about how proteins conform, and denature, and etc.) But I guess, having to so deliberately stand on God’s promises and claim them boldly makes our relationship with god grow. It’s DYNAMIC!

 

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ASK GOD, who generously gives to ALL without finding fault, and it will be given to him. (John 1:5)

 

I just wrote this verse out on a pretty-ly decorated piece of paper, and stuck it right in front of my desk! I’m gonna just hold on to this word, for the rest of this trimester. I think I’ve been repeating this verse like over 20 times today. Haha!

 

What I actually wanted to write about is the rainbow that I saw last Friday morning. I was pretty stressed out because of the upcoming tests and essays, so I took a walk around Kelburn Park after my class on the sunny Friday. As I did the week before, I stopped by the fountain and just looked into the city, and the partial view of the sea. I was just talking to God, and trying to stay focussed on Him, instead of all the other challenges around me. Then, suddenly, the fountain started behind me! Shooting out waters about 5 metres high! Boy, was I shocked, as the water/mist sprayed across from me, I saw a small arch of beautifully blended colours. A rainbow! My lil rainbow! I was actually smiling at myself, and come to think of it, I might have been gawking in awe as well! How amazing is God? Immediate signs of Him listening to me? And imagine, I was the only one who could see the rainbow, because I was at the position where the sun was behind me (a lil science here eh?) and nobody else was near the fountain. Amazing? Totally! I took it that God was showing me a little miracle, that gives me hope and I can picture God giving me a gentle nudge, so that I may move on by faith, and also know that He’s nearby!

THis is Kelburn park, which i have to walk past everyday, to Uni. Uni (the HUnter building) is the building with the red bricks.

The fountain of Life?

This is another rainbow i saw, much earlier on, it arched right over the whole of Welly!

 

I had the best Malaysian food ever! WEll, at least since I got here! Went to KK's for Malaysian food, instead of the theme dinner we had at WEir which bore the theme "oldies" this time. WEnt with 2 other Americans, Michelle and Brianne. We were just too lazy to "dress up" this time. WEll, the last time we had "Horror after Dark," where I dressed as a goth, and the one bfore, the theme was "Cabaret", and I had to buy a feather boa. This time..i was just too lazy to dress up as a old and "nyanyuk" lady..so yeah..Plus, weir house food for the past few days really sucked! Cafe Nights on Fridays, which is a standard of fish and chips didnt really appeal to me anymore. And on sundays, we always get brunch for lunch, which means one pathetic piece of sausage, one pathetic hash brown, one pathetic piece of bacon, and reconstituted eggs! Gosh, Im sure I paid enough for them to give me eggs that are not reproduced! And the mashed potatoes we get here are usually reconstituted as well. Urgghh.. And tomorrow's burger Monday for lunch..ok..im not even gonna think about it.

But on a lighter note, Im gonna go to sleep with some spiciness churning in my stomach, which is good for onb a cold night! Guess what i had??! I had Char Koay Teow!! ehehhe..and i told the lady to make it extra spicy! and true enough, it was really spicy, more spicy than waht i usually take back home, but it was all good. I miss the crying and sweating over a good meal! Jas had Seafood Laksa, which is actually Seafood Curry Mee on Penang definitions. Yumm!! I managed to convince Michelle to try my Char Koay Teow, and boy, her face totally changed! ahahah..Smart of her to just stick to Sweet and Sour Chicken. By far, this is Restaurant has the most authentic Malaysian cuisine! That;s a treat for me for finsihing my essay!

After a few nights of toiling and burning the midnight oil, I finally finsihed my research essay on Saturday! All the referencing and bibliographies gets to my head man! But it's such a satisfying feeling! 9 whole pages of stuff that poured out of my brain! And yes, yet another assignmetn from my mountain of tasks are over. 4 more to go! 2 tests this week, and 2 more assignments and Im done with it! Study break! yeah!!...

Ohya, we went to my frens flat on the terrace just now after tea. It's pretty cool, they hav a gym, and an indoor heated pool! But the rooms are really small, and they had to pay their own electricity bill. WEll, Jas and I are looking out for flats now, cos we have to move out next year, and usually, the bond starts end of this year. It's gonna be another headache, to find a suitable flat, that is not too far away. Wouldnt want to stay as far as Esther, where she has to walk up totally steep steps everyday to get to uni! Talking about steps, as I was walking back from church through the Dixon Street steps, I had nothing much to do, and decided to count the number of steps! About 150 steps k!! No doubt about me building leg/calf/butt muscles man!!

ok..I so have to sleep. My eye is swollen on one side cos of lack of sleep..i think...aihz..it's monday again!  God, please lead me thru the next week, and help me to praise you at all times! To praise You for the life that I dont have right now!

Darn! I  walked back from ICF under the rain just now! Thank God my coat was somewhat water proof. Aihz..wellington weather..Dreary and gloomy. It has been so the whole of today. So much for the lifting of hopes yesterday when it got warmer. It has been drizzling all day, and this makes even walking to the dining hall for meals painful and cold, and wet. But thank God I didnt havea ny classes at all today! heh!

Yupz, as the title says, it has been a year for Dan and I. On long year, and yet, looking back, it seemed like it was just yesterday that i was still in Inti. But yeah..we've came a long way, and there's no doubts about God being the hope of this r'ship. I have to say that things got a lil harder when i got here, compared to the 8months we were together when i was back home. The first 2months or so were a lil more tough, and like dan said in his blog, it takes giving and receiving. ANd the fact that we are so far away, and we're not always able to keep track of each oth as much makes it worse. But i really thank God that He has put in our hearts to place Him smack in the centre of this r'ship. Humans being humans, we tend to get selfish, and only look from our point of view when things get rough, and misunderstandings crop up. And thru the many times of arguments and misunderstandings, there was really no where else to turn to, other than GOd. And I guess it's the putting God first, that puts all else into perspective, and that's when giving in, and being gracious, and a whole lot of other values come in. IT was not easy, esp when both of us are so busy with our individual lives, but I guess that's what a r'ship costs: time.

And I remember people asking me "so BF how?"  when i told them that i was coming here. And I really had no answer cos LDR is jsut so hard. The only answer that I have is the fact that if God meant us to be together, then all things will work out fine, somehow. And that jsut means that we have to focus on God and trust Him. Im just so really thankful to God that Dan and I have the same values and perspectives, regarding putting God first. It really makes so much difference, cos i realise that if the r'ship is only made up of 2 people (so to speak), then there will always be points when clashes occur, and there's no common ground for us to turn to.

hApPiE AnNiVeRSaRy dArLiNg!!

AND GUESS WHAT?! Dan was telling me to expect something today. SO I went to the Weir Hse office after lunch, and true enough, there was a small pot of plant, with beautiful orangy-red lil flowers sitting on Jing's table!!! IT was wrapped up in bright orange paper!! ehehe..  That so made my day..and yeah, lets hope i have some greenfingers inherited from my mum, cos besides the "tau-geh" that I planted when i was 10, I dont remember caring for any other plants. And ohya, cactus, but that's as much as not having a plant. And to top it all off, Jing said, there's some other parcel for me as well!! eheheh..Mum's second parcel arrived, and she sent 5 baby-Ts, and a skirt, and loads of vcds, which dan tumpang-ed to send to me. eheheh...I have Ms Congeniality 2!! and XXX2! After the sunset...and many other VCDs i think...eheheheh!!! Im soo happy and exciitd! ehehe..It feels as if it was my birthday or smth! Im like the happiest girl on earth today..ehehhe..well, it's incentive for me to study for my test this monday, and assignment which is due tomorrow.

Currently feeling: Happie!

What am I doing here in NZ?

what else besides studying?

Im sure there's more to just studying and the constant striving to keep up with assignment deadlines, and midnight oils... I dont know, but for the past few weeks, i've been questioning and just searching, as to what else Im here for, besides the generals, such as being here to be a blessing to others, to glorify God, and to impact friends etc etc. What else is there, in a more specific term? ANd well, being a practical person, I guess i alswyas want to look ahead, and know what i have to do, and i guess things just have to get systematic for me. Yupz, all thanks to my mum. And also in searching what I can do for God, I realise that the actual doing things for God shouldnt be my yardstick for me to judge my walk with God. Like usually ppl will ask how's your walk with God, and I will be thinking, "yeah, it's great! I've been busy with Youth, CG, CF, Church, Committee meeting, and Im doing God's work, and yeah, I'm close to God!". But in actual fact, our walk with God is not always measured by the actual work that we do. And this has became particularly obvious for me, esp when i first arrived here, cos I was somewhat uprooted, and there doesnt seem to be much church and youth, and acticities for me to be involved in! In fact, the once a week ICF on fridays seemed awfully far apart! But today, even as i reflect, and even as I was sharing with Jeh Sie (a senior from ICF), I came to realise that there will some times when there wouldnt be tangible thigns for me to put my hands to. And it is during those times that I have to learn to be still and to jsut enjoy His great love, and to jsut enjoy being in his presence, without actually doing anything. THis doesnt mean that we should be laid back. ANd i guess it's at the times like this that we just sit at His feet, and learn from our Father. It is during these times that we should reflect on God, and slowly allow Him to unearth things, and help is refocus on Him.

I really admire people who are so driven iin their life, and they know what they want to do for God. And they are so driven by their passion. I dont even ahve a clear clue as to what Im passionate for. What are the things that make me "angry"? What are the things that drives me? Hmmm...I really long to serve Him, all of my days. I carry on with life, and study, and do whatever I need to do, and then, occasionally I stop, and wonder, what am I doing? And where am I heading? I know deep inside that I long to love God, and go all out for Him. But sometimes, there are so much inhibitions. It's so easy for me to say now that I long to love Him all the days of my life, but when the rubber meets the road, will I? Ends of the earth? Or would I rather retreat to my lil warm comfort zone, where everything is familiar, and I know how everything is supposed to work?

There has got to be more to life than studies.

There has got to be more to life than just fun.

There has got to be more to life than just friends.

There has got to be more to life than just the daily struggles that we face.

There has got to be more to life than just boyfriends. (sorry dan, but I know you understand)

THere has got to be more to life than getting a degree, getting a Masters, then a pHD, and then getting a great job, wife and kids.

There has got to be more than a stable income, for us to survive till we breathe our last breaths.

THere has got to be more than jsut all that.

But then again, the ironic thing is that all that i mentioned make up the definition of life itself.

There has got to be mroe to life than all that! There has got to be God!

 How? Why? THe bigger picture?

 

Currently feeling: contemplative

 

Haha...guess what's so farney about this pic??!

I named this pic "james jan jud ju jen"...all the J's!! hahaha.well, i guess it's just this general thing that most fireBRANDS have names starting with J! SO cool! and ohya, wasted Jon Ow was not in the pic...

yes that's it! Im done with lectures and classes for the first trimester! Just came out frm my last lecture for the trimester! wooohoo!! Hmm..i know i shd go for a jog, but i'm jsut soo lazy..aihz.. mayb next tirmester, or next year, i shd join the gym, and sign up for group exercise. THey have really fun stuff like Taebo, funk (some hip hop dance thingy) and lots more! Plus it's comparatively cheap. But then again, i would then b too lazy to even get my butts out of my room, and walk to uni! hhaha!

OK, so much for wanting to have a good night yesterday, to celebrate my "partial merdeka"! Asked a whole bunch of frens and we watched Ms congeniality 2 at Keryn's room. And darn, she has this thing about her, that the guys like to kacau her, and midway thru the mvie, this 3 guys, came into her roomin just towels around their midsection. And or course boxers under, i think. ANd then they came and sat around us. ANd then they started to take their towels, and used it to whack each other. And then, keryn, who has water baloons readily filled, used them to throw at the guys. I was like What the?!! ok, fine, in the end they went out of the room. Then, suddenly we heard some of those idiots blowing hooters outside her room. And then, some of them started throwing fruits at her window (she lives on the 1st floor) and she opened the window, and she dropped some water balloons on them! ANd then they made an aweful lot of noise, running, and screaming, and some stupid guy somehow managed to climb onto her window sill, and blew the horn again! Oh man.there goes my night. And i was looking forward to enjoying the mvie. I was sososos0 pissed man. That's when i vowed to never watch any mvie in her room, or even with Keryn again! She just attracts too much distractions. ANd the guys do it just to irritate her, and she sorta encourages it! And that's also when i concluded that guys my age are utterly childish! Sorry guys, but too many times they have proved me right! And to considert that one of them was already 20! URrgghhh...

It took me a whole night to cool off. I just slouched in front of my comp, playing solitaire, minesweeper, pinball...and letting my mind drift off. But michael (our neighbour) and jas were talking in the room as well...and yeah..that sorta made up for it. And it didint really help that dan was busy and we didnt really talk...

well, on the brighter side, we'll be havign DJB (bible study group) in the afternoon. ANd then we're having the last meeting for ICF tonight! and we're having pot luck! mauahahha..IT's alwyas the best, cos ppl will bring msian food, and Aik Win is cooking curry chicken!! muahaa...Well, jas and I cant coook, so we were thinking of going down to twn, to get some ham, and bread, and make some mini sandwiches. ANd yayz for escaping from friday Cafe Night! Im soo sick of fried food! But we did have quite good steak with Onion sauce last night tho! and yayz for reconstituted mashed potatoes!

Ahhhh..what a wonderful meal we had today! We had Gordon (or Cordon??) BLue, real mashed potatoes, boiled carrots and peas and blueberry mousse for tea just now!! Yummy! WEll, now, it seems like we rarely get superb meals. Oklah, compared to all the other hostels,we have like THE BEST food, but still, sometimes we just get too much fried and unhealthy meals. Went for seconds and shared another piece of Gordon Blue with Jas. Yumm...Not feeling that guilty cos i got my lazy bump off, and went for a jog around Kelburn Park right before tea. Have been jogging twice a week, since last week, so...hopefully i'll keep up with that. And probably will play more squash now, since I found a "kaki", Karen.

Hmm...I've barely enough time to cover all the topics that I have to study in one week! aihz..and guess what, like last year, my birthday is stuck in between! Aihz.guess I'll jsut have to postpone my celebrations till after 13th! Cant wait for my finals to be over!! Then we get 3 whole weeks of break! Well, I'll probably get some one-off jobs thru Student Job Search, and earn some cash, or else I'll jsut rot away.

Arrghh...I ate too much! Feeling so bloated now. Gluttony is a sin indeed!

Hmm..there are so many things I wana do over the break!!:

1. Get a winter coat! can u believe it, winter is in another 2 days, and i havnt gotten my coat!

2. Go to Dress Smart for super good bargain!

3. try to cook smth, and not poison myself

4. Go to Queen's Wharf and get Gellato's Ice Cream!!!

5. kayaking?

6. watch all the dvds dan sent me.

7. Go walk on Oriental Bay..yeah, i know it's winter, but it's really pretty there. But sadly, Welly has horrible beaches, and the sand at O Bay was gotten frm the South Island.

8. finsih reading the novel that I brought and the book that I bought! haha! yeah, i havnt been reading much..

9. Dig into God's word!!! Yeah!!!

10. Play more squash, and get more exercise.

11. Get a new pair of jeans??

Ok...that's all i can think of right now. im sure there are tonnes more.

anwyas, yeah, i've so definitely gotten fatter! haha!! With all the desserts I get here! It's bound to happen, But oh wel, that's what i wanted, b4 i got here. So..yeah.but not too bad lah, o'cos!

Ok..better get back to the books..

Cant wait to see what dan sent me for Bday...excited and cheking my mail everyday! eheheh..Ohya, got a wonderful letter frm dan today. And also got a postcard frm ping some days back, wishing me happy bday. Speaking about ping, where is she?? no updates frm her at all eh? Hilang in China d! hahaha...

Currently feeling: bloated